Dear Guy in My Office Who Annoys the Hell Out of Me,
Stop trying to be cool. I'm 24. You are 45 and I can respect that. Why can't you? You aren't 24 so don't try to be 24. Be 45. I can handle you if you're 45, I can't stand your guts if you're trying to be 24. When you try to be 24 we have nothing in common. So stop. That's why I give you blank looks half the time and don't respond the other half.
Please stop being annoying. This goes without saying. But when you pass my desk, don't ask me what I'm doing, I'm not going to tell you. Don't ask me what I'm eating because that means I'm eating. Don't ask me to do something after 5:00 because I want to go home. When you bring up small talk, using cheesy pick up lines or even talking about girls isn't going to make me open up. Talking about the weather is much better than talking about 'hot' girls. So please stop being annoying.
Learn how to work a computer. I have better things to do at 5:30 than teach you how to send something via UPS. And sending something on UPS may be one of the easiest things in the world.
Please stop asking me if I have time to help with something... I hate this. Just ask me to do it. Seriously, ask me and I'll get to it pretty quickly. And don't wait till the end of the day to ask me if I have time to help with something.
Please stop talking about your kids all the time. I only care up to a point. And I really don't care any more if they got a hair cut or an earring. Stop.
Please stop either name dropping or telling stories when you were younger... I don't care if you once rocked out to Santana in the car or if you once dated someone other than your wife.
Please just stop talking about Santana or Blazing Saddles... I know both of them sure, but they really aren't 'big' with kids born between 1980 and 2006.
Please stop talking so loud when you're on the phone, or at least close your door.
Please stop talking about sports because it's clear that you don't know anything about sports which is fine, but we all know that you don't even like sports and you only know who LSU is because it might be helpful when meeting someone from Louisiana. And your kids hockey team is not sports. I'm happy he made the team. I don't care after that.
When we order burritos for lunch, don't mention cerveza ten times over the course of the morning... seriously, I may kill you the next time you say cerveza. And don't pretend that you're a big drinker... you aren't. I've been to events with you. You might have a drink. That's cool. Just don't pretend to be a big drinker.
Stop talking about your Jewish guilt. I've never even heard of Jewish guilt. I Wikipediaed Jewish guilt... nothing. I think you made it up. Catholic guilt... that exists, that has a Wikipedia entry. I'm starting to think you made up Jewish guilt. Okay maybe it does exist, but I'm sick of you talking about your Jewish guilt every other day. I still think it's completely made up.
Views From Life on a Bench
P.S. You aren't funny either... the other guy in our office is funny. You aren't.