State of the Union

The State of the Union was last night and it’s always a good time to sit back and listen to what the President has to say, which is usually big dreams and middle of the road crap. Seeing that I was home and going to watch the SOTU anyway, I figured why not do a minute by minute report of the speech? Maybe something funny will happen. But then again, when ever you get 800 white males that live in DC in the same room, there usually isn't much humor since politicans and golfers are probably the least hip people to walk these Earth. In other words, squares don't give us humor unless we put them in a situation where they freak out... but that won't happen tonight unless the Dems just say "Screw it..." and walk out on everything. But I've got a better chance of making the Detroit Tigers this year than that happening.

Here’s what went down [note: anything quoted was lifted off of the NYTimes website’s transcript of the STOU this morning, but the rest is what I was responding to at the time; and yes I did edit this. Yes, I know it's over 3,000 words. Yes, I know I should probably find a girlfriend. No, I'm not really thrilled with this. Yes, I made it longer in the editing process...]

8:46pm est – We’re coming to you LIVE from Alexandria, Virginia where we just finished off some pasta and chicken and are watching the end of a some what disappointing “Gilmore Girls” episode. I have nothing to add right now.

8:47 – NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Rory just kissed Logan which pisses me off. Though I’ve got to say, since he’s lost her he’s been a little more interesting. Then again he was like this when he was chasing after her last season… if you couldn’t have guessed the GG is a lot more interesting that the upcoming State of the Union.

8:49 – This week’s “Gilmore Girls” was hyped as the ‘big fight’ but it took 49 minutes to get Rory, Emily, Lorelei, and Richard together… I hate promotion.

8:59 – Very uneven fight, it had some good moments and now they’re all laughing, I’m confused. The good news is that I’m now ready for W, you know, being confused and all. And we’ve just switched over to NBC! Russert me!

9:02 – Russert just said that the 6th year is never good for Presidents… seeing how poorly the 5th year went, maybe W will give up. Just say, you know what, the last two years I’ve been so bad as a President, that I’m going to quit and make all my staffers quit too. Now that would be great.

9:03 – I’m sorry but Justice Alito looks like that neighbor who wouldn’t let you go on their yard when a ball rolled onto his property. He also looks like someone that should get his ass kicked.

9:06 – Wouldn’t the State of the Union be a lot cooler if they did it at like a baseball stadium or something? Like if they did it at the MCI Center and people went there and booed or cheered the President? Wouldn’t that be a lot cooler than a bunch of white males looking like assholes (oh yeah, let us not forget the four blacks, two Latino, and eleven women there too).

9:08 – Bush is announced to everyone clapping… I’m telling you this would be a lot cooler at the MCI Center. Can you imagine the atmosphere in the air? Thousands of every day Americans razzing and cheering the President and what he says about iron ore mining in Duluth, Minnesota. How great would that be? You’d see all these people get all revved up about what the President said about iron ore mining. Why don’t they do this?

9:09 – Bush just greeted his first black person since August!

9:10 – We were just informed that Cindy Sheehan was arrested on the Hill tonight… that’s not fishy. I’m totally sure she broke the law. I’m sure they’ll book her within the next three years on charges of “saying critical things about the Emperor… err… President.”

9:12 - Bush starts off with a nice tribute to Coretta Scott King.

9:14 – For the 230th year in a row our country is strong. I don’t think the country is ‘strong’ right now, but then again I’m not running for office.

9:15 – “The only way to protect our people, the only way to secure the peace, the only way to control our destiny is by our leadership. So the United States of America will continue to lead.” Lead what? Why don’t people question things like these statements more often? We give atheles a hard time for saying nothing, why not the President too? ‘…will continue to lead.’ Huh? And our first 9/11 reference! Took him only three minutes!

9:16 – “Democracies replace resentment with hope, respect the rights of their citizens and their neighbors and join the fight against terror.” … let’s here it for Hamas! Let’s here it for death! And W just gave a shout out to Lebanon and Egypt… WHAT?!?!?!?! These places aren’t democratic, they put on a dog and pony show! As Fleetwood Mac said, “Give me lies!”

9:18 – Okay, I’m totally lost… now Iraq is a safe haven for terrorists? Was in three years ago? I thought it wasn’t… or at least that’s what I was told. So you are admitting that the terrorists are now in Iraq but were not there before? That’s correct right? Now Bush just dropped “Lacking the military strength to challenge us directly, the terrorists have chosen the weapon of fear.” … is that why you brought up 9/11 right away George? Is that why you’re talking about terror and kept on messing with the terror levels?

9:19 – “If we were to leave these vicious attackers alone, they would not leave us alone. They would simply move the battlefield to our own shores. There is no peace in retreat.” ummm okay. What is the evidence here? Not saying we shouldn’t have gone into Afghanistan, but what does this have to do with Saddam and Iraq and democracy and WMD that weren’t there? Does Bush realize that Iraq and Afghanistan are completely different countries that are pretty far away from each other? (Baghdad and Kubal are like 1,000 miles apart).

9:22 – “We're on the offensive in Iraq, with a clear plan for victory.” Three years on in Iraq we’re winning… what? What are we winning in Iraq? Why doesn’t anyone ever answer this? We won the war correct? Mission was accomplished right? Saddam is gone and the WMDs aren’t there, so we ‘won’ that correct? So what are win the process of winning right now? What is the ‘clear plan for victory’ that everyone keeps talking about? What plan? “First, we're helping Iraqis build an inclusive government, so that old resentments will be eased and the insurgency will be marginalized. Second, we're continuing reconstruction efforts and helping the Iraqi government to fight corruption and build a modern economy, so all Iraqis can experience the benefits of freedom. And third, we're striking terrorist targets while we train Iraqi forces that are increasingly capable of defeating the enemy. Iraqis are showing their courage every day, and we are proud to be their allies in the cause of freedom.” I’m convinced… not.

9:24 – I think Bush just said second guessing is a bad thing!?!?! What?!?!?! “Hindsight alone is not wisdom. And second guessing is not a strategy.” This is the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a long time. ‘Don’t question me, I’m right and can never make the wrong decision!’ Not even the Pope would say this. Go bark up another tree, Georgie.

9:25 – I’m really getting sick of this vague language, who are our ‘enemies’? The ones we’ve created in Iraq? Or the real ones like bin Laden? Who are our enemies? And why aren’t we being more aggressive in getting bin Laden?

9:27 – I think Bush just winked at Staff Sgt. Dan Clay’s family. But I couldn’t really tell. It was a nice moment, but I’m not big on the whole using someone else to guilt me into questioning you.

9:28 – “Ultimately, the only way to defeat the terrorists is to defeat their dark vision of hatred and fear by offering the hopeful alternative of political freedom and peaceful change. So the United States of America supports democratic reform across the broader Middle East.” Okay I think everyone agrees with that. But two things: 1) One cannot force people to vote, you can’t force democracy upon people because then it’s not democracy. 2) Using military actions to spread the ‘news’ of democracy is like killing Aztecs or Incans to make them Catholic or inspiring a bloody revolution to spur on the communist revolution, in other words killing the innocent in the name of freedom isn’t freedom. Or as I once heard, “Killing for peace is like f#*^@!g for virginity.”

9:29 – Okay like the Hamas stuff, “The Palestinian people have voted in elections, and now the leaders of Hamas must recognize Israel, disarm, reject terrorism and work for lasting peace.” Only took 17 minutes to say something good, but we got there. But then the WTF of WTFs, “Saudi Arabia has taken the first steps of reform.” Huh? Did I miss something here? Saying first steps is using those words very, very loosely.

9:32 – Bush just brought up HIV and corruption world wide… let’s tackle this one at a time. First the HIV, remember when Bush promised all that money three years ago and then gave like 10% of what he promised? Well I remember that. And then corruption… have you seen K Street recently? Let’s get our house in order first on this whole corruption stuff.

9:34 – Bush just called for the reauthorization of the Patriot Act… let’s give it up for borderline fascist bills!

9:35 – Oh no… wiretap time… previous Presidents issued them? Who Richard Nixon? And these taps are going to help prevent terrorist attacks?!?!?! He’s joking right? There’s pretty much NO WAY that wiretaps would have stopped 9/11 and to think other wise is a sign of lots of LSD usage. “Appropriate members of Congress have been kept informed. This terrorist-surveillance program has helped prevent terrorist attacks. It remains essential to the security of America.” This Asshole is lying to the entire nation and we’re just going to sit there and let him do this? Someone walk out on this bullshit. This really pisses me off. No one rewrites history like Bush, EvilDick, and Karl Rove.

9:35 – A shot of Hilary Clinton… just go away. Please, no one likes you. You’re annoying, have become incredibly boring, and are in the process of selling your soul to the right. So just leave. Thanks.

9:36 – This isolation crap he’s throwing out there is really ticking me off. Leaving Iraq isn’t a call for isolation. It’s a call for taking a peaceful and more constructive means towards promoting life, liberty, and prosperity. Going around killing and ticking off Iraqis isn’t the best means of promoting life, liberty, and prosperity in my eyes. But hey, creating martyrs worked for the Romans right?

9:37 – Okay it is economy time… I don’t care…this is all hot air any way, he’ll be half right and half wrong no matter what Bush says (or anyone for that matter).

9:39 – “In the last five years, the tax relief you passed has left $880 billion in the hands of American workers, investors, small businesses and families. And they have used it to help produce more than four years of uninterrupted economic growth. Yet the tax relief is set to expire in the next few years. If we do nothing, American families will face a massive tax increase they do not expect and will not welcome.” I’ll take it from here W. That money? Well it went into the pockets of the rich. The middle class spent it all and actually had a negative saving rate last year (that is never a good thing… NEVER). And the poor continued to get screwed. So let’s make these tax cuts permanent! Even though NO ONE says this is a good idea expect 39 really rich people. And remember when the economy really rocked during the Clinton years and tax rates were a tad higher? Remember how we weren’t running up a huge deficit?

9:41 – “By passing these reforms, we will save the American taxpayer another $14 billion next year and stay on track to cut the deficit in half by 2009.” This is just a blatant lie… seriously, the deficit is in the trillions; 14 billion isn’t going to change much of anything. How are you going to cut the deficit if you can’t stop spending money, W? Iraq alone looks like it’s going to cost a trillion bucks at the end of the day, yet you continue to want to cut taxes… so who’s going to pay for all this? It’s the most backwards thinking ever… ‘see if you spend more and receive less you’ll end up with more!” It’s magic! But Bush is playing the role of Job from “Arrested Development.”

9:42 – Hey look it’s hypocrite central! Bush wants the line-item veto back! I’m laughing… Bush just made a joke and brought up President Clinton, camera zoomed in on Hillary and she had the “I hate my husband” look on her face. That was funny.

9:43 – Wow… this is great the Democrats are mocking Bush! He just brought up social security and the Dems all got up and cheered. This is sort of like Westminster! This could still end up being an entertaining speech!

9:44 – You know it’s the State of the Union when… Bush wants to work with the Democrats. It’s the one-day per year that he feels this way. Sort of like the one day a year I sort like the Cubs.

9:46 – Health Care… look let’s stop beating around the Bush and just go to a socialized system. Even the Economists admitted that this was going to be the ‘unfortunate’ end result in this country. There’s just no way private companies and individuals will be able to pay for it all. So all this private account stuff isn’t actually going to fix anything, so let’s just move on and get moving on this so we can all have some sort of coverage before the year 2027.

9:47 – You know when ever they show these white male faces in their black suits I just can’t help but wonder who sleeps with these guys? Seriously, what sort of woman (or man) would bang these guys? Do they enjoy their bland ties? Do they find their personalities and that they seem about as much fun as a license plate? Is it the dinners at overrated restaurants? The free food at fund raising events? The booze?

9:48 – Energy stuff… I’m going to get something to eat. “And here we have a serious problem. America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world.” (BTW, I was shocked that this was the headline on most papers this morning. Floored. Bush points out the obvious and everyone is like “oooooohhhhhh!” How is saying that America is addicted to oil new or interesting? I guess I’ll give Bush credit here, but seriously, I’m not running this headline on Wednesday morning. Maybe that’s why I’m in an office blogging…

9:50 – Yummm Pepperidge Farm Milano Raspberry cookies… yummmmm. As for this education stuff he just dropped, the only problem I see is that the GOP just made taking money out for school a lot more expensive. All that does is piss people off and push more people out of school (especially those who economically aren’t as well off). So you can’t say ‘lets make the schools better and encourage people to take math classes’ and then make paying for school so expensive that people don’t go.

9:53 – Drug use is down? Really? I find that hard to believe… you know how many people I know who do coke? And I don’t even do that shite and I could name 25 people that I went to college with for you right now.

9:56 – Another shot of Alito… I’m telling you, this guy just looks like a loser. Roberts looks cool though. Like the other neighbor that would play catch with you and let you use his back yard for football games and stuff. I’ll say it, John Roberts makes me confortable.

9:57 – Why doesn’t anyone talk about how bad the State of the Union usually is as a speech? I mean it never has any flow… it’s always this choppy pile of unfinished ideas… and it will always be like this.

9:59 – The end of the State of the Union is always the most boring part… it’s like White House staffers just throw things on there just to piss everyone off… Bush isn’t saying anything… blah, blah, blah… “We are a hopeful society… I totally screwed up Katrina… hope is a good thing… I’m going to go chew on glass…”

10:01 – Oh I like that one, the ending the AIDS in this country stuff, but why wasn’t half this stuff already in place? And what are the odds that anything will get done?

10:02 – “Before history is written down in books, it is written in courage. Like Americans before us, we will show that courage and we will finish well. We will lead freedom's advance. We will compete and excel in the global economy. We will renew the defining moral commitments of this land. And so we move forward — optimistic about our country, faithful to its cause and confident of victories to come.” And it’s over… first of all what are we going to ‘finish well’? I hate vague language. And who wrote the ending to this? A high school junior? Seriously, pretty weak ending, “it [history] is written in courage…” umm okay guys. Whatever. Seriously, an athlete says this during media day and everyone makes fun of him. The President (or any politician) says it and we think it has some underlining meaning… when it in fact means nothing…
10:04 – Russert time… he just pointed out the division in the chambers… now the other talking head is talking about how this is the speech we hear … last year. I couldn’t agree more, he’s right; this was like last years SOTU expect for the wiretap stuff.

10:17 - I’m going to be honest, this was a pretty bland speech. Bush didn’t really say anything new here tonight. He didn’t do a bad job or a good job… it was a pretty even and boring speech to be honest. But it was a lot of nothingness… weird speech. I mean I guess he did a good job, but it was fifty minutes of stuff he’s been saying for over a year. I didn’t really feel too much expect for the crap wiretap stuff he threw out there. Other than that, it’s the same old.

Russert just made a good point about the wiretaps and how that story and situation is going to go to the Supreme Court. He went on to say that the wiretaps were going to be the issue, along with the lobbyist mess and Iraq, over the next few years. The consolidation of power in the White House, and how that plays out, is going to not only affect the next three years but also Bush’s place in history.

10:13 – Hey Tim Kane is going to give the Democrats response! That’s sort of cool. I like him. I’m pretty sure he’ll have nothing to say of course. I’m calling the old roomies… so with that I’m signing off… until next year… remembering we’re ‘winning’ and going after the ‘enemy’ and that it takes ‘courage’ to ‘win’.


In Otter Space said...

BO - don't ya' have a lot of time on your hands?
Love that pretty pretty picture of Hilary though. Maybe I'll get it framed and hang by the toilet. Next time anyone is "stuck" just looking at that picture of "Get-Off-The-Hill-ary" should make things work a little faster.

In Otter Space said...

P.S. Doesn't "Get-Off-The-Hill-ary" have a great sound? Made that one up meself.

Denis said...

Why does the internet give you the false sense of security to write cartoonish criticisms and sound like every other uneducated, ill-informed blogging buffoon? Come on, you're better than this!

Otter said...

As I said, I'm not too happy with this, but posted it anyway since I had pretty much done it already. There's too much information in the STOU to really pull something like this off... and I was trying to make glib or witty jokes that were not there last night, and upon reading it over this morning decided to go with more content (hence quoting Bush's words). But that just led to the mess that we have above... this is long and pretty boring I know. I thought it might lead to something interesting, but unless someone like Russert or Matthews gave 'color' during the speech, you've really got nothing to work with besides issues like AIDS, war, and oil... not much material. A more objective and analytical work would have been better... next year.

Anonymous said...

Even if you're right about Alito (you aren't), I would rather have a justice that won't let you on his lawn than a justice who wants to take yours. Ask the Kelos - I think they'd agree.